There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If you love someone, let them sleep.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Google reviews are always so mixed..
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”