Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car