A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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Story of my life…..
No way!
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far