Me redecorating every room in my mind
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.