I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I am never leaving this website
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.