breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect