Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Whoa… oh I see lol
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Pikachu found the lost joint
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries