My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party