They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
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Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?