[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Beware…..
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
A friend helps you before you need it
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.