her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought