I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that