beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.