I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Breaking news:
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.