Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
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the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
S O O N
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
#Caturday
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.