My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*