Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
same bro
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”