Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that