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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.