Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.