My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Finished stitching this today 😇
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have