Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Sheep
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel