When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
an airline just for babies.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions