why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
The Onion called it…again.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT