Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
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[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
LOL
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist