You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no