Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
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I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there