Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
You Might Also Like
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
NASA has no chill
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.