Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
#Caturday
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Thank you corporation very cool
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.