“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.