me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I donāt share cheese on the first date.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now Iām in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named āSnakeā.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a StĒærĆ„s InnjĆørdĆ«n he opens a FÅnstĒrviviĒµ
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house š
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Iām tired of people saying āhereās my go to lazy mealā and then they start chopping an onion
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: Iām thirsty
Dad: Iāmā¦thirsty
T: Iām hungry
D: Iāmā¦H…Hi Hungry, Iām Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Iāve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason