Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Twitter fine art
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*