GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
You Might Also Like
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
reviewed some movies recently
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.