The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.