WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?