ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.