I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Hmm, not sure about this change
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.