chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.