My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Bit chilly again tonight.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.