My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
based al yankovic
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My dad teaching me to drive
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.