*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though