I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You Might Also Like
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
3% human
97% stress
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass