Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
You Might Also Like
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Love this guy
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?