“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
absolute chaos
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
This is my bus stop.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”