Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT