Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.