Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.