Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
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happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.