When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon