‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
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The dark side of Canada
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?